


Disarm You

by LolaInSlacks88



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Levi/Eren Yeager-centric, M/M, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-09
Updated: 2016-09-09
Packaged: 2018-08-14 00:38:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7992142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LolaInSlacks88/pseuds/LolaInSlacks88
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Post Chapter 85. Eren and the others settle in for the night after their discovery, but fresh wounds are still open. Eren struggles with the guilt he feels over Levi's decision, and the role he might have played in it. Unable to sleep, he decides to stay up with Levi to talk things through - and a few other subjects come up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Disarm You

**Disarm You**

There weren’t many rooms in the abandoned home – at least that were intact. Armin and Hange were exhausted from their wounds and were tucked into two of the three beds they’d found. Connie, Jean and Sasha were still together in a nearby house, giving Sasha an opportunity to recuperate.

Mikasa, Eren and Levi were still awake. Mikasa and Eren were worn down emotionally, but their minds were unable to rest. Eren couldn’t read Levi, but he guessed he was pretty upset too. Not only had they nearly lost Armin, Levi had lost his commander, the man he looked up to.

While Levi had been taking care of Erwin’s body, Eren asked Hange for information about him, which Hange confided. Mikasa had been in the room, rolling her eyes at Eren’s interest in a man she found so irksome. Eren knew Levi had suffered loss long before Eren himself had – and before Eren had even existed. In a strange way, this endeared Levi to him. But he was too scared to admit this, or what he knew, to the surly, forlorn man.

The thing they’d found in the basement, the thing his father had referred to as coming from outside the city, that depicted people so realistically … None of them could fathom what they’d found. Eren ran his hands over the cold metal key, thinking it still had another use – obviously, it hadn’t been intended for the door, but Levi’s foot had.

Coming back had been hard on him and Mikasa, and when they’d brought Armin to look at the picture, he’d shared in their trauma. Eren felt guilty for adding atop the formerly frail youth’s building pile, but at this point, their baggage stood nearly as tall as the triggers of it all.

_My mother’s shoe … why did that have to be there? Rubbing salt in the wound …_

He winced, and like always, Mikasa was on top of his every expression.

“Eren, how are you doing?” Her usually composed voice faltered with emotion when addressing him.

Eren glanced at Levi, whose dark eyes seemed no different from usual – at first glance. Although they were usually emotionless, Eren did start to detect a slight difference as he looked at him – a dullness. Maybe he was tired too.

He’d lost Erwin. They all had. But Erwin had been special to Levi. A role model, Hange had said. For Eren, Levi had become this very thing. The “Wings of Freedom” that promised the defeat of the titans, vengeance, and a journey to the freedom of the outside world. If he lost Levi like Levi had lost Erwin …

He abandoned the thought, but he must have looked so concerned that Mikasa felt compelled to grab his hand.

“Eren, if you’re worried about Armin, I’ll go check on him.” She reached her hand up to his head, checking for a temperature like his mother had. “Are you tired? You should rest.”

Levi was sitting in the corner of a room that was half-open to the night sky above. His arms were folded and his legs were crossed. He was closed off, lost in thought.

Eren and Mikasa sat together at what had once been a dinner table. A broken plate and bent utensils were scattered in front of them. The echoes of a life from before, a life never to be lived again.

“Sorry, Mikasa. Yeah, I guess I’m pretty tired. Too much going on in my mind to sleep though.”

Mikasa was no fool. She eyed Levi, and then looked back at Eren. She leaned in closer to his ear. “Listen to me, Eren. Let him grieve in his own way. Erwin’s loss is on him. He feels responsible.”

“He is,” Eren hissed back. “And so are we.”

Mikasa retreated briefly. “You’re not regretting fighting to save Armin, are you?”

Eren was, deep down. And this conflict echoed what he imagined Levi had felt in that eternal yet brief moment of indecision. Eren had respected Erwin but loved Armin as a brother. Levi had likely felt the same respect for Armin, and perhaps the brotherly camaraderie and nearly familial ties to Erwin. Had they selfishly bullied him into losing the most important person he’d had left?

Eren did feel guilty. He’d been a burden on humanity’s hope ever since he’d blundered into the picture.

Mikasa sighed. “You push forward so passionately, but you always fall back on regrets. What’s done is done. We have Armin, and we still have to find out what exactly that was we found.” She pressed a hand against his shoulder and stood up. “I care about him too.”

She was either speaking about Grisha or Levi. Mikasa had a way of admitting to her emotions indirectly, which was more than could be said for Levi. He nearly blended in with the darkness of the night.

Mikasa smiled down at him. “I’m going to go look in on Armin. Take the last bed. I’ll stay up with him. If I manage to fall asleep, I’ll curl up on the floor beside him.”

Eren stood up and shook his head firmly. “No! You’re a girl! You should have the bed!”

Something about this agitated her, but Eren didn’t know what. Her smile reversed into a frown and she abruptly whipped away from him and stalked towards the room Armin was set up in.

Levi’s toneless voice startled Eren, even though it was quiet: “She’s not the kind of girl who wants to be treated like one.”

Eren clutched at his thumping chest as he turned to look at Levi, who was as unreadable as always. Levi had already looked away from him, suddenly more interested in staring at a ruined fireplace.

“I was just trying to be nice! What’s wrong with that?”

Levi made a small grunt that might’ve been a derisive chortle.

“You should get some rest, like she said. We have a lot ahead of us.”

Eren sat back at the table resolutely. “I’m not tired enough to sleep. You take it.”

“If I leave you alone, I’ll just end up having to rescue you again.”

Levi’s subtle dig at Eren’s own damsel-in-distress qualities agitated Eren, who was constantly reminded of how inferior he was to Levi – and even Mikasa.

“Just admit you can’t sleep either.”

“Fine. So I can’t.” Levi curled his hand against his chin, thumb rubbing against it. “But it’s going to be weird sitting here with you staring at me like that.”

“I’m not staring!” Eren looked away from him instantly, aggravated with Levi’s accusatory tone.

_It’s like he thinks I’m some pervert, or a fawning girl._

“You look at me with the same awestruck eyes that I met back when I left Trost,” Levi said. “Like you think I’m some damn hero to look up to. I’m not. So stop trying to analyze me, or emulate me, or whatever the hell it is you’re doing. My job is to keep you safe, and I’ve barely scraped by at it. Just help me so it’s all worth it in the end, okay?”

The implication was that Levi had sacrificed everything for Eren’s sake from the day he’d kicked the shit out of him in court. His squad, Erwin …

Guilt cloaked Eren like the green mantle Levi still shrouded himself with.

“Look, I didn’t want to be humanity’s potential savior or whatever. I didn’t ASK to be protected. All I wanted was to eliminate the titans and see the world outside the walls. If you wanna go home, fine. Leave. Stop trying to guilt trip me.”

“Home?” Levi asked with a sniff. “I have nothing to go ‘home’ to. And as for the world outside the walls? Does what we found today give you any idea of what you might see out there? The truth? A bitter truth that you might be better off not knowing, a truth you might wish you’d never learned?”

“It’s all gotta be for something!” Eren nearly yelled, but he thought of Armin and Hange, and maybe Mikasa. They needed to rest. “My father, my mother, all of my fallen teammates … It can’t be pointless! Their deaths can’t be in vain!”

“You’re a walking cliché, you know?” Levi mused before looking back at the charred fireplace. “It’s getting cold. I’ll go gather some wood and see if this won’t strike up.”

Eren stood up. “No. You can’t abandon this conversation. You can’t avoid this, or me anymore. Like you said, there’s a lot to think about, a lot to look forward to. What point is there in sitting here pretending like everything’s okay when it’s not?” He slammed a fist against the table, louder than he intended to. The broken dish rattled. “You resent me, right? The kid you got saddled with, that you had to babysit. The kid that got your squad killed, your commander!”

Levi’s eyes flashed as he stood locked in Eren’s gleaming emerald gaze. “I don’t resent you. You know nothing at all about what I think or feel.”

“So tell me!” Eren let the frustration of wanting to know what made Levi tick get to him. He sighed and fell back onto the chair, running his hands through his hair. “All I have left is Armin and Mikasa. That’s why I’ll fight to the death for them. I did what I felt was right at the time, for me. I didn’t think of you. All I ever think about is myself. I felt so much relief that Armin survived, but now all I feel is regret for what I took away from you.”

“It wasn’t just you,” Levi said quietly. “Mikasa was threatening me too. In the end, I had to do what I felt was right too, even if it wasn’t what I wanted.”

He pulled his cloak tighter around himself, looking so tiny and alone that Eren almost thought of _him_ like a child for once. He was almost vulnerable.

“Did you love him?”

Something about this frank phrasing startled Levi. He stared at Eren, his hands coiled up in his green cloak. “It’s not really any of your business what he was to me.”

“Hange told me a little,” Eren admitted sheepishly, withering in Levi’s steely gaze.

The gaze hardened even more. “Four Eyes would. Blabbermouth. What did Hange tell you, exactly?”

“That he helped keep you in line. Motivated you. Gave your life meaning.”

“Not untrue. And how did this conversation come up?”

“I … uh …” Eren stumbled on the wording, but Levi had it all figured out.

“Hmm. So you asked. Curious about me, were you? Well, I’m not really that interesting, so let’s just leave it where it is.”

Levi made as if to leave, but Eren stood up and jogged up to him. He placed a bold hand on Levi’s shoulder, surprising both of them. “If you leave, I’m just coming with you.”

Levi looked up at him, sighing after a while. “Fine. Make yourself useful, at least.”

They wandered around in the ruins looking for good pieces of wood in the surprisingly bright light the stars provided. Every once in a while they’d encounter a piece of a life like a doll or a discarded clothing item, and what felt like another existence flashed before Eren’s eyes.

“It feels like a dream,” he murmured as he lifted a worn, charred doll. “Like the life I lived then wasn’t even my own.”

He put the doll down when he saw blood spatter on the tiny cloth hand. “I’m scared that I’ll forget them, just like when you wake up from a dream. You remember it so vividly at first, but then you forget a little bit at a time until you wonder if you even had a dream at all.”

“You never forget,” Levi denied firmly, gathering up a piece of broken wood framing. “I fought to keep what I cared about, but I lost it anyway.”

Eren stared at Levi, realizing that whether he wanted to or not, Levi was opening up to him. “So you did love him.”

Levi looked back at him, almost scornfully. “Tcch. I don’t know why you’re so fixated on that. ‘Love’ is a weird concept. Respect, I understand. I respected him. I respected my squad. I lost them. Do I grieve? No. But the hole inside me is ever deepening. With each loss it grows a little larger until eventually I’ll become a void.”

“Did anyone …” Eren didn’t know how to phrase what he was intending to ask, and he was sure he’d mess it up and agitate Levi anyway, so he blurted out what came to mind. “Did anyone love you? Or, uh, care for you?”

“What, do you think I’m such an asshole that no one ever loved me?” Levi snapped. “Stop gawping at me and help me grab firewood, you brat!”

Some of the old fire had returned, which softened Eren’s heart in a strange way. The thought of Levi without his slight flares of temper seemed wrong, somehow.

_I’ll become a void._

“No. I’m sure someone did. You have parents, right?”

“Never knew my father. My mother died.” Levi snatched up another broken piece of framing. “Just like you. And also just like you, I had two friends that I considered family – a boy and a girl, as a matter of fact. I fought for them. And they died too. So Armin dying, I knew how that would feel for you. Both of you.”

Levi was more like Eren than he’d thought. The ideal he’d had of him, of him being humanity’s savior, of being a beacon of strength, had been wrong in a way. Eren had thought Levi was better than him in every way, that there was no way they’d ever be alike …

But he realized now that Levi was lonely. He’d gotten too used to losing people to accept love or to give it. Eren was scared of losing Mikasa and Armin, almost had so many times – just now, with Armin …

An embarrassing thing happened: Eren felt tears stream down his cheeks. He rubbed them with his sleeve, but they kept coming. He thought of a world without Armin, without Mikasa, without Jean or Sasha or Hange or any one of them … He didn’t want to lose anymore.

He had so much to hold onto, to fight for. Had he taken that away from Levi?

He rubbed his eyes, trying to hide his weakness from Levi.

_A world without Levi … Somehow, I’d feel lonely. Like a piece of my resolve would be taken away. My strength. My role model. The person I look up to, that I want to impress, to become …_

_Erwin was that for him. Who does he have left now? What?_

_I’m just a selfish idiot brat like always. He’ll never respect me, or look up to me like I look up to him. We’ll never be equals. I’m just a kid he babysits. Why does he bother? Because it was important to Erwin?_

Eren suddenly resented Erwin and the influence he had over Levi. He resented being looked down on rather than looked up to. He was a burden. He’d never inspire anything in Levi other than regret and resentment.

He suddenly felt his age when a great swell of tears finally broke through and he tossed down his wood with a great wail. Then he burst into a run away from Levi, running not to anything, just away from him.

_If he doesn’t have to look after me, I’ll be happier. I’ll just go tell Mikasa and Armin, and we’ll leave together. He can go back with Hange, take Erwin’s body back, live whatever life he lived before me …_

“Eren!” That flat, almost gentle voice was suddenly resonating behind him, alarmed more than aggravated. “It’s not safe! Come back here!”

“I’ll bite my thumb and turn into a bloody titan if it comes down to it!” Eren yelled behind him. “Stop protecting me! It’s not your job anymore!”

Eren heard a hiss and a whoosh of air, and he was abruptly knocked to the ground.

 _He used his ODM gear to gain on me,_ he realized as he turned to get his face out of the dirt. _Asshole!_

He looked up at Levi, who pinned him to the ground and grabbed his shirt in his hands. “Idiot! Running off like that is dangerous! And I dropped all of my damned wood!”

His eyes narrowed as he looked at Eren. His hands loosened and he brushed Eren’s cheek with his thumb. “Were you crying?”

Eren was thinking about how strong Levi was for such a small man, and suddenly picturing the outlines of his musculature through his clothes. He breathed hard through his nose, wondering why this was.

“Get off of me, Levi!”

Levi slapped him in the face. “Don’t disrespect your senior like that! You think crying’s going to make me go soft? I’ll tell you the truth: I didn’t want to be saddled with a bunch of brats to look after, let alone the one who might be the key to saving humanity. I didn’t want to be responsible for anyone else. I didn’t want to LOSE anyone else. But here I am, still reliving the death of my commander, still having trouble believing his grave lies in an abandoned house, still worrying I’ll lose YOU too.”

Levi’s chest heaved; his hands had moved down into Eren’s shirt, but now loosened and rested against Eren’s own throbbing chest.

_This is awkward. He’s sitting on me, and I can’t really breathe. My nose is stuffed. He’s warm. It’s cold out and I can see his breath. He’s angry at me. I want him to get off of me, but I sort of also want him to stay._

_Is it because I don’t want to be alone? Or because I don’t want HIM to have to?_

Eren reached up to grab Levi’s wrists, but as soon as his skin touched Levi’s, Levi sprung up off of him. The heat abandoned his body and he was suddenly chilled to the bone. He shuddered.

Levi extended a hand. “Stand up and help me pick up this wood you made me drop. And let’s get back for God’s sake. It’s freezing out here.”

Eren did as Levi asked (or ordered), wanting as always to impress his former idol. He still looked up to Levi, but he realized now he’d put the man atop a pedestal. He was only human, after all – a lonely, vulnerable human with nothing to lose.

No – with everything to lose.

Eren wandered behind him, wanting to reach for his sleeve, to cling to it like he had his mother’s dress as a child, scared he’d lose her. But he held onto the wood tightly, thinking instead of how small but strong Levi’s body was. His spirit. His will. His sharp intellect, his instincts …

“Sir, do you … do you hate me?”

Levi stopped in his tracks to look back at Eren scornfully. “There’s no point in that.”

“Would you … would you kill me? If I … got out of hand? Like you said you would?”

Levi, who’d just started walking again, stopped in his tracks. This time he didn’t turn to look at Eren. “Stop asking me stupid questions.”

“ANSWER ME!” Eren yelled, desperate to know.

“I’d do what was right.” The implied afterthought was, _Not what I wanted._

“If I died, would it make you sad? Or would you just be relieved?”

Levi ignored this question until they got to their temporary shelter. He dropped the wood he’d gathered into the fire and lit it with the sparks of a couple of sharp flint rocks he’d scavenged. His face glowed as he looked up at Eren.

“There’d be no pleasure in your death for me.”

“I don’t want you to die, either,” Eren admitted, kneeling at Levi’s side while the older man sat in his chair. “I guess you know I look up to you.”

“Nn,” Levi grunted, rubbing his hands in front of the growing fire.

“I admire you. Respect you. Sometimes I even think I could like you, even though you kick me and rustle my hair like an annoying older brother.” Eren glanced away shyly, aware of Levi’s sharp gaze as it analyzed his face.

“Why’re you saying all of this? Trying to annoy me? Or distract me?”

Eren shrugged. “I just thought you should know I appreciate you and all you’ve done for me. That I don’t want to be a burden on you, so I … I wanted to leave. But at the same time, I don’t want to leave you. You give me something to look up to.”

“Tcch. Don’t make me into an idol. I’m just a short, old grump and you’re a young kid with his whole life ahead of him and the weight of the world on his shoulders.”

Eren curled his knees against his chest. “I just don’t want you to hate me.”

“You’re a kid. If you do anything stupid, it’s because you don’t know any better.”

“I’m NOT a kid!” Eren denied. “I’ve seen more in my life than the spoiled aristocrats in Wall Sina have! And you’re not old!”

“Ah, did Hange leave that bit out? I look younger than I am …”

“It doesn’t matter anyway,” Eren argued, glaring at Levi. “Experience is what matters.”

“Yeah. And I have more of it than you do.” A small, victorious smile curled Levi’s lips before he sighed. “I wish I had a nice cup of tea.”

“I’ll warm up some water for you –” Eren started to stand up, but Levi snatched him by the arm and looked at him so intently that Eren froze.

“Stay here. No more running away.”

Eren plopped back down beside Levi obediently.

“Do you want the chair?”

Eren shook his head. He suddenly felt a wave of drowsiness overwhelm him, likely caused by the comfort the heat of the fire provided. He wanted to lean his head over, to rest it on Levi’s leg.

Levi sighed, and Eren felt pressure against the side of his head. Suddenly the other side was touching that warm, sinewy muscle wrapped in soft linen.

The hand stroked his hair gently before it withdrew. “You were wobbling over this way anyway. It’s fine. If you won’t go lie in the bed, you can use my leg as a pillow for now.”

_Am I dreaming? Did I fall asleep as I was thinking that? Should I act as though I’m still in a dream, or as if I was awake?_

_Ah, I’ll just lose the fragments little by little anyway. I won’t remember anything eventually._

“Levi …” He dropped the formal title, and the name felt raw coming so freely from his lips. “I just want to stay here with you for a little while.”

“Ah. But you should go to your friends eventually.”

Eren craved the soothing touch against his head, the stroking of his hair. “They’ll still be here tomorrow.”

“So will I.”

“But you’re here now with me, tonight,” Eren reached for Levi’s hand and yanked it back to the other side of his head. “Don’t stop. It felt nice.”

“I’m not your mother. Can’t Mikasa do this for you?”

But he didn’t pull away.

“I don’t know how to explain it. She’s like my sister. It’s annoying how much attention she pays to me.”

“Tcch. Isn’t it obvious why that is?” Levi started to stroke Eren’s hair, reluctantly at first.

“I don’t want her attention.” He exhaled, content. “I wanted the attention that was harder to get.”

Levi’s hand froze in Eren’s hair. He understood what Eren was getting at. “Eren, I’m not comfortable-”

“Don’t pull the ‘I’m your superior, you’re my subordinate’ card. At this point, it doesn’t matter anymore. We’ve been through too much. And don’t pull the age card either. I just want you to like me, that’s all.” He wrapped his arms around Levi’s leg and squeezed. “Please don’t hate me.”

Levi sighed. “How many times do I have to say I don’t hate you? I just need to keep being an example for you.”

“You told me earlier you weren’t,” Eren argued. “So let’s try to be equals. I’m not a kid anymore.”

“No. But you’re still a brat.”

Eren pulled away and looked up at Levi – and was surprised to see him smiling. The stars glittered behind his head and the edges of his face were lit with a dull orange glow by the fire.

Eren swallowed. He’d grown up. He’d lost his innocence, but he’d matured in several ways. Other urges had started to develop in him, but he was usually able to repress them in lieu of accomplishing his goals – chiefly to survive.

With this lull, this warm, hazy, vulnerable moment, he was able to realize he had a deepening attraction to his superior. An admiration for him mentally as well as physically.

He wondered now, about what Levi was interested in – if he was interested at all. Had he … with Erwin?

No. Erwin had a woman he’d loved, Hange said. And he had only mutual admiration for Levi. If it had been there, it’d been unrequited.

Or at least Eren wanted to think Levi was untainted by someone else.

“Eren, why’re you looking at me like that?”

Levi had noticed him staring.

Eren took a chance: he didn’t look away. Instead, he smiled.

Levi was a person who would use words to shape the situation he was in, so Eren contemplated using actions instead. He slid his hand further up Levi’s leg so it rested above his knee, but not too high on his thigh. Levi did nothing to force it away, though he stared at it like it was a caterpillar slowly making its way up.

“I like being close to you like this,” Eren admitted with a sigh, startled by how far away his own voice sounded. It was unreal, to think he was sitting with his head against Levi’s leg and Levi’s hand wrapped up in his hair, stroking softly. The fire crackled, trying to reassure him that he wasn’t dreaming.

“I suppose it’s natural to seek physical and emotional comfort after traumatic events like we suffered,” Levi admitted. “I have to say, and don’t repeat this, that I like not being alone right now, too.”

“Because I’m here? Or would just anyone do?”

Levi’s fingers jerked at Eren’s hair lightly but sharply. “What are you getting at? Don’t be inappropriate or I’ll stop.”

Eren frowned. “This is already ‘inappropriate.’ At least in everyone else’s eyes. All that matters to me is what you think and what I think.”

“I wasn’t born yesterday – obviously. Eren, this physical intimacy you’ve established with me, is it based on something more than a desire to comfort me or be comforted by me?”

Eren was actually relieved Levi had brought this up. He’d been scared of rejection if he’d brought it up himself.

“The world we live in, it’s so dangerous. Any day could be our last. And now everything we thought we knew could be a lie. So, just for a little bit, I want us both to feel good. Content. Cared for. Connected.”

Levi made a choked, strange little noise. “Eren, you’re too young for this.”

“No I’m not.”

“Okay, fine: you’re too young for _me_.”

“Is it because you think I’m inexperienced?” Eren asked, realizing Levi’s hand had retreated from his hair.

“No. It’s because I’m not comfortable with intimacy. For reasons you’re better off not knowing.”

Eren sighed and stood up, folding his arms and looking down at Levi. “I think I will go lay down. When the fire dies out, come join me if you get cold.”

This bold invitation was influenced by Eren’s exasperation and exhaustion. In retrospect, he couldn’t believe he’d blurted this out to Levi.

He stalked to the free bed and snuggled into the dusty sheets, wondering whose it had been. The room was cold, and the sheet did little to warm him. He worried for Armin, but was confident in Mikasa’s motherly instincts.

 _She’d kill me if she knew I just invited Levi into bed with me. No, wait – she’d kill_ him _._

Eren’s thoughts drifted back to the warmth of Levi’s leg against him, and the heat of his hand as it stroked his hair. A pleasant shiver ran through his body, and he let his hand wander down the contours of his stomach.

Then he heard a board creak and felt like someone was watching him. He froze and waited, hoping it was who he wanted it to be.

The door closed gently, though there was a hole in it. He heard more creaks, then felt the sheet lift off of him and a weight shift the bed beside him.

“You were right, brat: it got cold.”

Eren smiled, knowing Levi couldn’t see it. He reached back and yanked Levi’s arm over his side, wriggling into the contours of Levi’s body for warmth.

He could smell him, that earthy, clean scent – Levi was always conscientious of his personal cleanliness. Eren had endeavored to emulate this.

Levi noticed. His breath tickled Eren’s ear as he exhaled. “You smell good. Clean. Trying to impress me?”

Eren realized he wanted quite badly to turn and kiss Levi passionately, but he restrained himself – which went against his nature.

Instead, he groaned and gripped Levi’s hand in his. “You have no idea how happy I am right now.”

“I’m not sure what I am,” Levi admitted. “I feel dirty. I don’t like it.”

“Why? The bed?”

“No. Because you’re –” Levi scoffed. “I was going to say ‘innocent,’ but the time for that has gone. Because you’re _pure_.”

They were both quiet for a moment before Eren broke the silence.

“Do you want me?”

Levi was taken aback – Eren could sense it in the way his body tensed and retreated from Eren’s.

“In what way?”

“Any way.”

Silence cloaked them once more. Eren was worried Levi would make his exit.

“I could. But I’m struggling with that realization.” Levi buried his nose in Eren’s neck. It tickled, but Eren made a satisfied little murmur. “I’m still mad at you, but I shouldn’t be. Mad about your existence. But it is what it is. And right now, you’re what I have. And I’ve decided I’ll hold onto you.”

He gripped Eren to him for emphasis.

“I’m an old, old man, you know.”

“Yeah. And a grump.” Eren stroked Levi’s arm. “But you’re so strong, and smart, and cynical and sharp, and fit and clean and –”

“Don’t build me up to watch me fall.”

“You’re so high up that falling is all you can do from here.”

Eren felt Levi smile and his heart fluttered.

_I want to make you smile more. I want to make you have a reason to keep fighting. To keep living._

_For me._

“I’m not going to take advantage of you. And I won’t let you take advantage of me, no matter how you may tempt and tease.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, there’s no other way to put it – and don’t laugh at me.”

“What?” Eren’s hand gripped Levi’s, which was small and firm like the rest of his body.

“I’m not really all that into intimacy.”

“You said that already. You mean touching?”

“I mean fornicating.”

Eren didn’t recognize this word. “Huh?”

Levi sighed. “Sex.”

“O-oh.” Eren realized that Levi was most likely a virgin – like him. This made him feel ludicrously relieved. “But do you … have you … um … kissing?”

“What? You want to kiss me?”

Eren turned to face Levi, wishing he could see him. Their heads were level, though Levi’s feet were brushing his shins. This was absurdly endearing.

He felt for Levi’s face and gasped as Levi yelped “ow!” and grabbed Eren’s wrist.

“You poked my eye with your thumb, brat!”

“Oh, s-sorry-”

His apology was silenced with the heat he’d been craving, a heat that spread down his body in ripples at first, then shockwaves. Soon he was throbbing all over, uncontrollably, craving an outlet for release.

_Being with him like this, it’s amazing. Like a dream. To finally connect with him, to be on his level … I suddenly feel like he’s taking me seriously. Like I’m something more to him than an escort mission._

_Could he love me? I know I could love him. In this instant, I might already._

_I won’t let him die. I’ll kill anything that gets in his way. Just like he’d do for me._

_Damn it. Now we’re both going to be going after everything, putting ourselves in danger because we’re trying to keep each other out of it._

_But something to keep fighting for – it’s what he needs._

Eren dug his hands into Levi’s hair, pulling him as close as he could possibly be. But Levi broke the kiss and buried his nose in Eren’s neck instead.

His hands dug into Eren’s back, holding him tight. “You’re not a replacement, you know. For Erwin. For anyone.”

Eren stroked Levi’s surprisingly soft hair. “I know. I’m not worried about that.”

“I keep thinking that I just made a mistake with you. That I should go. But thinking of going back out there and being alone … I’m scared.”

This admission surprised Eren, but in a way it made his attachment to Levi intensify to the point he wanted to hold him tight and never let go.

“You don’t have to go. And if you don’t feel comfortable, we can just lie here together. We don’t even have to touch, if you don’t want.”

Levi shook his head. “No, no – that’s the problem. I _do_ want it. I want desperately not to be alone. I don’t want to lose anyone again.”

“Me either.” The loss of Erwin hung over both of their heads. “I’m sorry about Erwin. I know I’ve already said it-”

“Don’t say it anymore. It’s done.”

“Well, thank you, then. For saving Armin.”

Levi sighed. “Erwin would’ve wanted it. To give a child a chance at life. All we can do now is fight on in his honor.”

Eren shut his eyes, inhaling the scent of Levi’s hair as he stroked it. “You respected him. Could you respect me?”

Levi was silent, but he let Eren hold him.

Eventually, he nodded. “I respect your passion. Your drive. Though you’re sometimes too hotheaded and rush in without thinking. But I suppose in a way, I see myself in you. The me that existed twenty years ago.” He withdrew his head from Eren’s shoulder and looked at him, but Eren could only make out the contours of his face. “I want to give you a chance at a future, too.”

“A future with you?” Eren asked hopefully, feeling a bit silly and relieved Levi couldn’t see his face.

“If I’m lucky.”

Eren reached out and stroked the outline of Levi’s lips. “Can I kiss you again?”

Levi sighed, warm air tickling Eren’s fingers. “Don’t get too greedy. I should probably leave before Mikasa comes in here and finds us.”

“I don’t care. She’ll find out one day anyway-”

“Eren, do you see this … going somewhere? I mean, what are you thinking this is?”

Eren hadn’t thought too far ahead into the future, so he answered as it came to him. “I want to keep spending nights with you like this, being close to you. Getting to know you. Having someone hold me.”

“Why me? Why not Mikasa, or even Armin?”

Eren shrugged. “I just think so highly of you, I guess. I know them so well, but I WANT to know you. And I want you to think that way about me, too.”

Levi thought Eren’s earnesty was endearing and adorable, but he kept this thought to himself and Eren didn’t get the satisfaction of knowing it.

“I can’t make any promises. We’ll see where this goes, I guess.” Levi gripped Eren’s hand in his. “You can have that kiss if you still want it.”

Eren accepted the offer greedily, almost clumsily. He pawed at Levi’s small, lithe body awkwardly, fumbling at his clothes.

“Not too far-” Levi breathed against his mouth. “I have to draw the line somewhere. You’re a good-looking kid and you have good hygiene, but I don’t know that we should go that far.”

Eren groaned, half in frustration, half in strained lust. “Why not?”

“Well, for one, I don’t have the stamina you do. For another, it’s too soon. Also, I don’t quite know how to go about it, quite frankly.”

Eren smiled and prayed Levi couldn’t detect it. “It’s okay. I mean, I really want to. With you. But I haven’t before either.” He bit his lip. “You were my first kiss, actually.”

Levi groaned, but Eren couldn’t decipher the emotion behind it. “I already feel like I’m doing something wrong just thinking about it. I can’t believe I went and did something stupid like giving you your first kiss.”

“And second!”

“That, too.”

“Levi … you … you’re thinking about it? Just now? Or before?” Eren left his arms wrapped around Levi’s compact, slim frame, his nose pressed against the older man’s.

“Why does it matter?”

“I like imagining you thinking about it. It makes me feel good.” Eren kissed the tip of Levi’s nose. “I want you to be all mine; nobody else’s.”

“Tcch. No one else would take me anyway.”

Eren kissed Levi’s forehead tenderly. “I don’t think that’s true. A lot of people admire you. Like I do.”

Levi didn’t seem to know what to do with his hands, which eventually ended up squished in between the two of them in little balled fists.

“I don’t know why. I can’t even protect the ones I care about. They think I’m so strong, but strength isn’t all physical – and skill is mostly mental. When you’re a titan, you’re acting on instinct. That’s how I operate, too. I’m not much for following orders, I just do what I want. Only I’m not as successful as people seem to think. Every loss hangs heavy over my head, each one piling atop the next.”

Eren sighed and reached down to grip Levi’s hands in his own. “I’m glad that you’re opening up to me. It’s not good to keep all of this stuff to yourself. But it makes me sad that you think of yourself as such a failure – you’ve been my hero for so long, and you always will be.”

He squeezed Levi’s scarred and roughened hands. “You can’t control everything. Don’t blame yourself for the losses. I remind myself of that every day, like a chant. The rage inside me grows and grows, and when it comes out it makes me act stupid. Thoughtless. You’re there to keep me in check, just like you said back then. Back when you saved my life.”

“You mean back when I beat the shit out of you?” Levi asked scornfully, his hands jerking away from Eren’s.

“You had to do it. You thought it through. The life you’ve saved is mine, over and over, and you’ll keep on doing it. So I’ll do all I can to keep you around, close to me.” Eren flung his arm over Levi and dug the other underneath him, holding him tight. “Tonight and every night after, I want you next to me so if I wake up, I can feel you there. Then I’ll know I’m not dreaming.”

“You really think that much of me?” Levi asked quietly.

“Even if you are a sarcastic asshole sometimes, yeah. It just adds to your charm.”

Levi managed to snicker. “Well, I’m glad you’re such a weird kid, being attracted to assholes and all.” He cleared his throat. “That can be taken another way, so please don’t.”

Eren chuckled, feeling more content than he’d been in a long time. It was almost like the world outside didn’t exist, didn’t matter.

_This room, this bed, Levi. That’s all I need._

_Well, maybe the knowledge that Armin and Mikasa are safe next door too._

_Ugh. Mikasa’s going to chew me out. She’ll be so mad. She’s not really fond of Levi for some reason._

_Jealousy?_

Thinking was becoming more and more difficult as his mind tired and his body seemed to melt into Levi’s. He shut his eyes, content to inhale Levi’s scent and listen to the sound of his breathing, to feel his chest heaving against his own.

When Eren ceased to talk, Levi realized he’d finally fallen asleep. His body was locked within the youth’s strong arms, which wasn’t unpleasant, but Levi’s own body was starting to cramp.

_What the hell did I do? Accepting his invitation into bed and kissing him … I’m only encouraging his urges._

_And my own._

_Why did I indulge him in this hero worship? I had no idea of this adulation of his. I’m almost scared to let him down. It’s frustrating that his opinion of me matters. Some bratty kid …_

_A bratty kid that’s no longer a kid. He’s become a man now. Maturing mentally and physically. And in a world like this, is it so bad to find affection where you can? I need this right now._

_Not the physical stuff. That’s more for him. Well, being held like this isn’t bad. At least he’s clean and smells good. His hair’s soft, too._

_He’ll get tired of me eventually. I’ll end up pushing him away somehow, intentionally or otherwise. This is a young man’s fancy; I’m a conquest, and once he gets what he wants, he’ll let me be._

_If he wants to do that, I don’t know that I can. How do people even get into that? “So, let me just stick this in you, here …” It’s bizarre._

_But other things, well, I guess I could indulge him. I’m only human, after all. Everyone needs release._

_I feel guilty for being attracted to a kid that’s almost twenty years younger than me. But I guess it’s more that he’s attracted to me. He just doesn’t repulse me._

_Ah, who am I kidding? He’s ripened like a crimson apple. Flushed with energy and raw strength. Yet he still has that shy side, which is so surprising for him. That great, blustery, yelling brat …_

Eren made a content little sound almost like a purring cat, and Levi’s heart skipped a beat. He was startled, for one, but also stricken by just how adorable he found it.

_Damn. I might actually like him. The brat’s endeared himself to me. After all of this time spent protecting him, it’s like I was brainwashed to care for him._

_Well. It would have happened eventually._

_But climbing into bed with him and kissing him overstepped the bounds. Now I’ve led him on._

_The problem with these kinds of things is there’s no going back once you’ve already got your foot in the water. Might as well go all the way in, so long as you don’t drown in it._

_But if Mikasa wanders in here and finds this, it’ll be really hard to explain. “I got cold and crawled into bed with Eren for warmth. He invited me.” She already sees me as competition. There’s no room for those sorts of emotions in a situation like this. Of course, there was no room for a romantic flirtation either, but look what you did, you old idiot._

_Filling the hole inside me with the affections of a brat like this … Not the smartest thing I’ve done._

Levi groaned. As loathe as he was to do it, he had to remove Eren from himself so he could get up. He managed to wriggle free and pulled the blanket over Eren, smoothing his hair as he tried to stand up as quietly as possible.

Eren made another adorable little sigh and snuggled into the bed, his legs curling against him in a fetal position.

Levi exhaled, still filled with warmth from their embrace. He knew he’d yearn for it again, just like someone yearned for another piece of food after they first discovered they enjoyed it.

When he wandered back into the kitchen and living quarters, stretching, he froze in his steps: Mikasa was sitting at the table with a stern look on her face.

“Is Armin all right?” he asked, concerned for the recovering youth.

Mikasa nodded. “Sleeping soundly. And Eren?”

Levi sat next to her at the table. “He’s sleeping.”

Mikasa laced her fingers and narrowed her eyes. “Did you put him to bed?”

Levi realized she knew where he’d come from, and that there was no point in hiding it. “Sort of. He didn’t seem to want to sleep for a while.”

This ambiguous phrasing set Mikasa’s mind on fire. Her eyes conveyed this. “You’d better not have taken advantage of him, you old pervert!”

Levi scoffed, both taken aback and a little amused by her spunk. “I assure you that Eren would be the aggressor in any situations of that nature.” He rested his elbow on the table and settled his cheek in his hand. “So now you hate me even more, am I right?”

Mikasa grimaced. “I want Eren to be happy and safe above all else. I know I’m a sister to him, so I never stood a chance. But you were always some sort of role model for him, something unattainable and compelling. In a way, I’m more concerned for you, actually.”

“And why is that?”

“Well, he’s young; he gets bored easily.”

Despite Levi’s earlier rationalizations to himself, this opinion filled him with a little surge of panic. He didn’t want to be abandoned.

“We’ll see. It’s my duty to protect him. I’ll never abandon him.”

“Neither will I,” Mikasa assured him. She exhaled slowly through her mouth as if trying to control herself. “These are emotional times for all of us. I’ll let it slide, for now. But you’d better not toy with him.”

“I have no intention to.”

“You and I may be related, but Eren’s the family I grew up with. If you hurt him, I’ll have no choice but to hurt you back.”

“Ah, Mikasa, he’s the only reason I’m feeling anything right now; if I lose him, then hurt me all you want. I’ll be numb anyway.” Levi arched his eyebrows, thinking she really did have rather similar eyes to his own.

“I’m sorry you lost Erwin,” Mikasa relented, her gaze softening slightly. "I know he meant a lot to you. And we bullied you into it. I’m not proud of that.”

“Eren and I already had this talk,” Levi confided. “I don’t need to revisit it. I won’t hold it over your heads.”

The wound was still open and stung bitterly.

Eren had bandaged it quite temporarily. For now.

“I know he feels guilty. But Armin is our family. We fight for it.” Mikasa stood up, her arms folded. “Don’t take advantage of his guilt, or use it as a balm for your own wounds. If there’s something inside you that feels for him, make sure it’s coming from a sincere place. Whatever he told you he thinks of you, I know he meant it: he’s not a liar.”

Levi narrowed his eyes at her. “Neither am I. You’ve seen me fight to protect him, right? Watch me from now on.”

Her eyes widened slightly as if realizing he was challenging her to argue with him. Then her lips lifted into the slightest of smiles, surprising him.

“As long as you want to protect him as much as I do, I’ll let you stay by his side. Don’t let him down.”

She tugged at the crimson scarf around her neck, almost sub-consciously, and waltzed into the hallway. Levi suspected she was going to check in on Eren. He was tempted to follow, but he went and sat in the chair in front of the fire instead. He lit another fire and watched the flames devour the wood.

In her way, she’d decided to allow this development to continue. That eased Levi’s mind enough to let his exhaustion overwhelm him. He sunk into slumber …

… And woke shivering, discovering the fire had died out.

He shuddered and tried to move his legs into a more comfortable position, but he felt a weight against them.

When he looked down, he saw Eren curled up at his feet with an arm curled around his boot.

This touched him deeply, but the more practical part of his mind thought Eren was silly for this, and he decided to put him into bed again.

“Eren.” He nudged him gently with his foot. “Wake up. Go back to bed.”

Eren’s faced wrinkled with mild discomfort, but he didn’t wake.

Levi gave in. He stood up and bent down to lift Eren up, cradling him like a baby in his arms. He walked him back into the bedroom and set him on the bed, leaning down to pull the blanket over him.

Eren reached up for Levi’s arm and pulled it with a surprising degree of force for someone who was in the midst of a deep slumber.

Levi sighed deeply. There would be no detaching him, at least not for now. Eren would be like a manacle around his foot.

Levi sat on the edge of the bed and took his boots off, feeling a curled hand fall against his back. Even sub-consciously, Eren was doing everything he could to reach out and touch Levi.

_Adorable and annoying._

Levi curled up in the bed next to Eren, noticing the sky starting to lighten outside. He could make out Eren’s features in the dim light, and he studied them until his own eyelids gave in to their own weight.

Eren’s content, sleeping expression was burned into Levi’s eyelids, but it was oddly comforting. It was also nice to be able to reach out and feel a warm body next to him, moving with the breath of life.

_I promise I’ll do all I can to keep you alive, with me and without if it comes down to it._

_The only meaning my life has now is to protect yours. You stupidly endearing, adorable brat._

Levi remembered the feel of those eager lips on his own, and his lifted into a smile. He’d thought at the time that it was like a puppy sloppily licking him. A little repulsive but also somehow pleasant.

He fell asleep while revisiting this still-fresh memory.

***

When Mikasa went to check in on Eren and Levi and saw the two of them curled up together, she heated with a mixture of jealousy and anger – but the satisfied smile on Eren’s face calmed her.

She shook her head.

_So you really feel that way for the Lieutenant, Eren. I’m happy as long as you are._

She noted the peaceful expression on Levi’s usually strained face and decided he was sincere in his reciprocity. He murmured something as Eren’s hand brushed his.

“I like puppies …”

Mikasa raised an eyebrow, perplexed and also a little amused. She suddenly pictured Levi as a small child hugging onto a puppy with its tail wagging. It made him look almost cute now – innocent in his slumber.

She decided that he’d been denied a happy childhood, and that he deserved some of his own happiness now. Her way of making it up to him for arguing with him over Armin was to allow him to remain close to her beloved Eren.

Mikasa tugged the blanket back over the two of them and left the room, leaving them to their conjoined slumber. The harsh reality of the day could wait a little longer.

 

 


End file.
